Journal

June 4, 2024

After months of debating, I'm finally on an antipsychotic. I've been afraid of taking new meds because of my last new addition (see previous post), but it's something I've needed for a while now.

I've been struggling with a mood disorder for the past four years, with worsening psychotic symptoms. Me and my psych have been going back and forth on what to do, becasue of my fear of trying new medications. With this, I'm probably going to get off of my lexapro, which I've been on for about three years now, and honestly it hasn't really done much for me besides lessen my anxiety slightly. The thing with SSRIs is that they usually don't interact well with mood disorders anyway, so it could be part of the reason I've felt shitty since my mood disorder started really developing my freshman year of college.

I know I'm prone to psychosis, I experienced an episode my freshman year (2021 was ROUGH man) that lasted around 2 months, which is what got me on my mood stabilizer in the first place. Idk, I hope this one works, and I hope that the side effects I'm worried about don't happen. I'm really tired and frustrated with the shit I've had to deal with. I'm starting them tomorrow, and then trying them every other day and in a couple weeks I'll see my psych again and we'll go from there.

Oh, and happy pride month too!

May 20, 2024

Ever since going on my mood stabilizer, I've been struggling with memory loss.

It's really upsetting.

I was talking to my fiance yesterday and he told me we'd had a conversation before, but I couldn't remember. The thing is, is that this happens a lot. I keep forgetting things and it's freaking me out.

It's not like I can just go off my meds either, even though the side effects suck. I'm scared of trying a different medication because of the uncertainty that comes with it. These meds caused me to gain 50lbs which, in a brain that has struggled with an eating disorder for YEARS, is not very good. I'm afraid of that happening again. These meds have simultaneously saved and ruined my life.

And I'm afraid of forgetting everything.

I used to be so smart, I used to be so good at reading and writing and now I struggle with it. I struggle with speaking now, my stutter has gotten significantly worse. My brain is so foggy some days it's hard to function. I've been on this med for almost three years and it just keeps getting worse.

It's just something that's been eating at me and it really just hit me yesterday.

May 6, 2024

The semester is over and I survived (barely)!

I am so glad that i can relax for the next couple months, but now I have to figure out what I want to do until August.

Last year, I basically stayed at home and did nothing, which was horribly depressing. I didn't have my license, which meant I couldn't go anywhere. I have it now, but what do I want to even do? I want to spend more time outside, so I may take some hikes on my university's hiking trails, but also I'm extremely sensitive to heat, so that might not be such a good idea. I want to support my public libraries, so I may spend time at one of them. I don't know. I'm still getting out of a depressive episonde so my body is still in this kind of bleh state, and I still feel like I'm going to have a panic attack at every possible moment, so I'm trying to figure out how to calm myself down. I don't know. I have a couple months to figure it out. I need a job.

April 3, 2024

I'm adding things to my website, and its slowly becoming the website I want it to be.

When I first created this site I wanted to eventually have this kind of old-web-y2k-esque place, but I couldn't get it to feel right whenever I coded it out. Now iot has this kind of scrapbook-y feel that I am much more comfortable with. I feel like I'm curating something I actually want to maintaon rather than make something novel that I won't like in a few weeks. I think I'm becoming more mindful of the space I'm making and my feelings towards it rather than what I think (key word- THINK) people want. It's like I forgot that this is a personal website instead of a commercial one.

Anyways, thank you to everyone who keeps up with this place. I'm excited to show you all what I have planned!

March 18, 2024

It's my birthday today. I'm 21, and its now legal for me to drink alchohol.

Honestly, I don't know how to feel. I think I'm supposed to feel excited, but I don't. It's just another Monday for me. My family is making a big deal about it, which is understandable. My mom was told she would never be able to get pregnant (due to a problem I inherited) and yet she did. And now I'm 21.

And I'm trying to act all happy, because hey, I didn't think I'd live past 16. This is obviously a reason to celebrate. But honestly I just kind of feel empty. I haven't really felt anything on my birthday for years. I'm just here at school, like any other day. My birthday is always on a school day. It's also always cold for some reason. Maybe that's why my birthday has always felt "meh".

I don't know, its weird. I want to go home.

February 21, 2024

My route to school has been changed due to road construction, so I'm taking the road that passes by my childhood friend's house. I can't help but feel sad and empty every time I pass by.

We had been friends for eight years, but got really close in high school. I remember when the pandemic hit we would play Animal Crossing together for hours every night. She was always super supportive of all of her friends. And we were all there for her when she left her abusive ex in our senior year.

A few weeks after that, she got into a new relationship with a 23 year old who had been waiting for her to get out of that relationship since she was 16. He effectively groomed her, and a month later they were engaged. And suddenly, everything changed.

She texted the group chat we were all in at 1 in the morning that she "couldn't accept our lifestyle". Out of the seven of us in that groupchat five of us were openly queer. And so, our eight years of friendship was over, and we didn't talk until the last few weeks of school before graduating.

I saw her last summer, she works at a little cafe in a small town a bit north of here. It was July, and she was wearing a long sleeve flannel shirt, like the ones she wore in high school. It was buttoned all the way up. She didn't look comfortable seeing me, so I didn't talk to her. I wonder how she's doing. Her husband doesn't post any pictures with her, let alone talk about her on social media. As far as I know they're still together.

I think of her on about a weekly basis. I don't even care about what she said anymore, I just hope she's okay.

I don't really have anything more to say, this has just been on my mind for the past few days.

January 30, 2024

OOF it has been a minute since I've updated. I am very much alive and well, and this semester has taken a toll on me already.

So a little life update, I was in an opera this past weekend which has left me so so tired. I also am taking a German film class which I hate because it was NOT built for an online accelerated format. Other than that I'm doing decently enough.

RIP to this blog page, but I should be back with more updates and ramblings soon.

November 20, 2023

Well, it's almost Thanksgiving. That means there's only a couple more weeks left in the semester!

I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling a lot with the good ol' seasonal depression that I get around this time of year. It happens, but it's not fun. I think the thing that makes this time of year is the fact that I have a complicated relationship with my family, especially my parents. Yes, I technically live with them in the attached suite on the side of the house. Yes, I love them. But it's hard being around them for long periods of time. My mother does not understand boundaries, and I keep resetting them every week and over and over again she steps over them. She lets herself into my space, where I as an adult should have privacy. She plays the victim every time I bring it up.

The best way I can describe this is from a post I saw earlier. I conceptually love my parents, but it seems like everything they do stresses me out. And that makes me feel like a horrible person. I know people who have lost parents, and I know how much it's affected them, and feeling this way makes me feel like I'm being ungrateful.

My new therapist is booked up through the new year, I'm on a waitlist to see her again. This is something I will go into more detail about with her.

November 10. 2023

I love fashion, I love talking about it, and I hate the fashion industry. Have a post about manufactured aesthetics, trends, and finding a personal style.

It's been about a year since I deleted tiktok, and in that time I've been struggling to figure out MY personal style. Tiktok has this issue where it seems like every week or so there's a new stylistic trend that everyone has to try and then within a week it's gone. I am not hating on "cores" as an aesthetic descriptor. Having words to describe a style is amazing, and can make shopping (if you choose to do so) much much easier. But when everything has a "core", it makes it difficult to actually find a personal aesthetic.

It's like having an array of rooms in front of you. Some are large, some are small. You can fit into the large ones just fine, but they seem much too big for you. Some are small, but feel restricting. This is how having an array of aesthetics feels to me. Having all of these labels can make it difficult to find not only the right one, but just one may never feel fully right. Many people describe having multiple aesthetics that overlap, each one having it's own label. This may work for other people, but this is not something that worked for me.

There is also the pressure to "have it all together" once you have actually figured out your style, whether it fits into a label or not. When I had tiktok, I often had trouble feeling good about my style because I couldn't just fit into a perfect box, but I also had a shifting style. Often, these styles were being popularized on apps like tiktok, which in turn gave them even more attention especially once fashion companies and magazines noticed the trends. When the trends "died" (fashion can never really die) and the media moved on, my style generally changed with it.

(This may also contribute to the overconsumption of clothes, makeup, and jewelry but that is a post for another time.)

Some trends also feel like they're being pushed onto us as consumers instead of happening organically. Many of these trends have been around for a long time, just being rebranded over and over and over again. This is especially true for makeup. Looks like "latte makeup" have been around since the 90s, "clean girl" is just a no-makeup makeup look, etc. They generally follow the cycle of fashion trends though, so I'm not exactly surprised. However when you get things like "blueberry milk nails", which is just light blue nails, that's when the issue comes into play. Blue nails are repackaged as a new thing every few months by larger companies and brands. They're not new, they're using the new shiny name to sell more blue nail polish. This is far from the only example from it, but it's something I just found out about that really kind of made me think about this subject.

I do want to make it clear that I am not referring to things like scenecore or y2k here, since those styles are revivals. Y2k is more "trendy" than scenecore but much like latte makeup, it's just the cycle of fashion repeating and reinventing itself. These are not the same as trends being rebranded and pushed out again in order to make money.

Now that I have mostly stopped paying attention to style trends, and especially now that I have begun making most of my clothes, I have found it significantly easier to figure out what I actually like. I have prioritized figuring out what silhouettes I like the most, what type of fit I prefer my clothes to have, what colors I like the most on me, and what types of fabric I like the most to wear. This creates the most basic formula for my personal style. I like earth tones, I like softer fabrics, I like crochet and knitted textures, I like unique and interesting and fun elements, etc etc.

Actually figuring these things out has made me a lot more confident and comfortable in my style, more so than when I was following trends and what other people wore.

Figuring out what YOU like and what YOU want to wear instead of having aesthetics and styles pushed onto you (whether you know it or not) is so important for creating your own identity as a person in my opinion. What you wear should be what you like, no matter what other people may think or say.

Cringe is dead, wear what you want.

October 26, 2023

I think I'm going to change the way the blog works. I usually just do life updates but I may start doing entries over certain topics. Today's is being basic (as a treat).

I'm sitting in my university's library and was thinking about "basic" things I do as a way to treat myself. Like drinking my pumpkin spice lattes or pink drinks from my on-campus Starbucks while working (or procrastinating) on my schoolwork.

For me, it's been a rough week. Long days, lots of work, and test after test after test. So I decided to treat myself to a pink drink since it's a bit too warm for a latte. I realized I look a bit basic, but you know what? I don't care. And that's so freeing I think, having that mentality.

Anyway that's all for now. I think this format will make my entries a lot more frequent to be honest.

September 19, 2023

Short update: I've been working on my coding skills but i am also very very stressed out. I am not dead yet though!

I will have a longer update soon but oof ouch i have no spoons

September 2, 2023

School has once again started back, and I'm actually doing okay so far. I hope it stays that way.

I just updated my kirby shrine, and I have a LOT of stuff to add to some other pages. I'm working on a new zine, which should be out soon as well. I just recovered form covid again which kind of halted any sort of plans I had, but I'm doing good now. I have a new video coming out sometime this weekend. It was supposed to be out yesterday but my editing software decided it was going to keep crashing on me... so that sucks. I hope that I can maybe get a better software since this literally just came with my laptop.

I'm about to start on a new research project for one of my classes. This one will be about the evolution of the human voice, which I think will be very interesting. I hope that this one will be good enough for me to post somewhere on here, since I do like sharing the stuff I learn and write about.

This was kind of a shorter update, but I should be becoming more active soon!

July 31, 2023

Hey! Long time, no write.

So I finally got a new laptop, one that hopefully won't quit on me for a few years. That was one of the big reasons I wasn't active here for the past month. I was running on a really cheap chromebook that could hardly load more than one page at a time, which isn't that great if you're actively trying to work on things. The upside to this new laptop is that it can run Minecraft (!!!), which brings me to my next announcement...

I have a YouTube channel now! I'm not going to ask you all to subscribe or anything, but much like this website it is a passion project for me. I've always wanted to run a channel, especially for gaming content, and now I can do that! I don't have anything uploaded yet, as I'm still learning how to edit, but I'm about to get my first video up and running. Once I have that up, my channel will be put on my links page! I'm about to be in an SMP with a couple of other small creators including my fiance, so I think it'll be a lot of fun.

Now onto something more serious, which is the other big reason I haven't been active.

I've been really struggling with my mental health, even with being on the new dosage of my mood stabilizer. I've been dealing with some really nasty depression, including some... not so nice thoughts. I won't get into any of the big details since it is very personal and also potentially triggering for others. But it really has not been a great time for me. I'm about to switch therapists, as my old one is not experienced enough in bipolar and schizoaffective disorders to be comfortable treating me. It's pretty sad, but she gave me a good recommendation for someone who is actually in the same office space as my psych so that might make things a lot easier. My other doctor still isn't listening to me.

So yeah, sorry to end this on a downer, but I feel like you all need to know what's been going on in the world of Sol. Thanks for listening and sticking with me even though I tend to be absent quite a bit.

June 6, 2023

So I went to Ireland!

I'm not going to lie, that was one of the coolest experiences I've had. We got to sing in some amazing places, and see some amazing sites. I think honestly my favorite had to be the few days we spent in the middle of the Connemara Mountains. That place is just absolutely breathtaking. I need to upload the pictures sometime, but my laptop is kind of throwing a tantrum right now so I'm going to have to upload them some other time sadly :(

I also got to see some really cool churches, of course including Christchurch in Dublin. Just... stunning honestly. You can't really see places like that here in the States, at least not something that old.

In other news, I finally moved out of that shitty apartment! I've really missed living out here not going to lie. I've missed actually being able to see the stars at night, and being surrounded by nature, and not having shitty neighbors who I hate. It's been quiet, and I've enjoyed it, even if I do have to deal with my mother :P

My mood stabilizer dosage has also been upped, which is probably why I've been feeling so much better than I have in the past couple of months as of late. While on the trip, since I didn't want to risk having any negative side effects in a foreign country, I only took my old dosage and boy did that suck. I was straight up hallucinating and felt like a danger to myself. I was constantly dissociating as well, which was terrifying. Being on this new dosage has gotten rid of that mostly. I'm still working my way up to the actual dosage, since it was basically doubled (100mg to 200mg), but I think I'll be fine. I did think that I would have to check myself into the hospital when I got back, but hopefully I'll be fine.

So yeah, anyway I should be a lot more active since I'm no longer super busy with school and trips and everything else.

May 12, 2023

I'm finally back after a lengthy hiatus! Honestly, things have sucked for me, big time since my last post. I'm back now though, and I think things are starting to look up for me.

So after my last blog post I turned 20, and then I had project after project after project due. Papers, presentations, that sort of thing. One thing was really interesting though and I wanted to share it after I finished it but I just didn't have the time or the mental state to do it.

TADAAA!!! This was what I made for my archeology research project! It is a seven string lyre, made out of maple (horrible to work with btw), with D'Addario nylon strings. The three wire-wrapped strings (non-clear) are bass notes, while the top four are melody notes. This bad boy is tuned to a heptatonic minor scale as well. I'm insanely proud of this, even though my paper only got a B+ lol. I was originally going to make this a post about the process but I just don't feel like doing that tbh. Maybe some day I will but that is NOT today.

As for other stuff I've been up to, I'm about to head to Ireland for a week and a half, which is exciting but also kind of scary. I've never been out of the US before, so this will be really cool I think. I will be uploading pictures and stuff from this trip btw.

I mentioned earlier my mental health has been... lacking recently. I went into a bad manic episode which led into an even worse depressive episode. I'm talking hallucinations and other awful stuff like that. I considered checking myself into one of the local wards I'm not going to lie. I am, however, now on a higher dosage of my mood stabilizer so I'm hoping that will help.

I'd like to thank you all for being patient with me lol, this is the longest break I think I've taken. Of course, I still uploaded a zine and stuff while gone, so it's not like I full on abandoned this page, but I think the break was needed in order to focus on everything else.

Thanks for sticking with me, and expect those pictures from my trip in a couple weeks!

March 16, 2023

Spring break is done and gone, and I turn 20 on Saturday.

Honestly it feels weird being another decade older, I didn't really think I'd make it this long tbh. Idk. Aging feels weird and I'm suddenly starting to understand those anti-aging people. It's not really the physical aging that scares me though, it's the way getting older feels. Time just keeps moving faster and faster and before I know it I'll be 21. I don't know if I like that.

I was going to write more but tbh I went to bed at 3 am and just had a doctors appointment and I'm tired so the brain fog is at like 100% today.

P.S. I did get rid of 99% of my clothes over break !!!

February 28, 2023

Is it just me or did this month go by really fast? Just kidding! February is now (basically) over and spring is just around the corner. Although, in my city we've been getting unseasonably warm weather, which is odd to say the least. But! Spring break is next week, and I have quite a bit to do. I'm starting the process of going through my stuff and packing to move out of my apartment. I'm planning on downsizing a lot, especially with clothes. Clothes are my main problem, and a source of a lot of my anxiety at the moment. I have too much that I don't wear, and probably won't wear at all. Most of it is going to be sold to help fund my trip to Ireland (since that is like $1.5k), the rest is going to be donated probably. At the end of this, I want to be left with maybe 1% of the clothes I had before, and build from there. I've spent the past few years figuring out my style, trying to adhere to certain aesthetics but I realize now that that's kinda stupid and will not only limit me, but cause even more clothes to build up in my closet that I may have worn once and will never wear again. Also, having a certain, very specific, very strict aesthetic is kinda stupid in the long run. It just doesn't work. So I will be starting fresh, buying things that are versatile and can wear over and over again. To be honest, now that I'm going to actually have space to do so, I'm going to start making a lot of my clothes.

  1. Because it's more sustainable
  2. Because I can tailor it to my body (combats body dysmorphia)
  3. Because I know it will be more durable than factory-made stuff
  4. Because I can choose the fabric type, which is a big thing with me (natural fibers ftw!)

But yeah. When I move into my new place (or old place? it's an apartment attached to my parents house) I'm actually going to have my own studio for me to do art and make music, which is SO exciting for me. I haven't had a space like that since I moved out, and I really missed it.

ALSO! I've been tossing around an idea in my head for some time now and I think I want to make it happen. So, current internet horror is mostly based around analog media of the 80s and 90s and maybe the early 2000s. What I want to do is make something based around the early 2010s. I don't know if it's too soon, but it's something I so desparately want to do. I think it'd be really cool. Like I want this to be like 2014-pale-grunge-tumblr aesthetic-wise, maybe like found footage or something. Like, a mysterious found flash drive containing footage from a digital camera. Idk exactly what the plot would entail but I won't be doing this for a few months. Also, there isn't going to be a budget really. A pretty low one if at all. But anyway yeah, I think it'd be really cool and I know this is soemthing I want to make.

That's about it for right now, thanks for reading!

February 7, 2023

It's finally started warming up here, and as much as I love cold weather I am SO ready for Spring. Now that my roommate is gone, I feel like I can actually clean, which is AMAZING. The apartment looks so much better now that I don't have to deal with her messes. I've also started going through a lot of my clothes, and I hope that by the time I'm done I'll have donated 99% of them. This is something I've been wanting to do for a while now, but the idea has been enough to give me a panic attack each time. I feel like I'm in a better place mentally now though, and I'm ready to get rid of it all. Of course though, my eating disorder is still treatening to come back which is terrifying. The other day my mom sent me some of my senior pictures and I was SO SKINNY back then, but my eating disorder made me think I was so horrifically overweight. This is why I advocate so much for recovery, because realizing that kind of fucked me up a bit.

IN other news, we currently have three of our concerts scheduled for our Ireland trip. We're going to be performing in Christchurch Dublin, somewhere (can't remember) in Lisdoonvarna, and another place I genuinley can't remember but I do know that it's a church. I'm really excited for this. We're going to be gone May 15-26 so I won't be active here at all, but expect a LOT of pictures.

I can't think of anything else to write tbh. Thanks for reading!

January 30, 2023

Last night I had my first seziure since September. It was pretty tame, but I'm still feeling the afteraffects of it today. I'm honestly just kind of sad. My (ex)neurologist decided that I no longer needed to see him after my mri and eeg came up epilepsy and cancer free, leaving me in the dark about what might be causing them. Currently, as it stands, I have some sort of non-epileptic seziure disorder, which doesn't really say much. This one was a galastic sezuire, basically uncontrollable laughing for a minute or two which for me then led into convulsions. Those are usually caused by stress (for me at least), which considering everything that has been going on... yeah that checks out. But the thing with me is that once I experience one, I'm probably going to be dealing with them more frequently for the next couple months. I really just wish my brain could be normal for once.

Speaking of that, I've just beeen extremely irritable for the past few days, and I'm honestly unsure why. It may be because of the weather, it may be because I'm about to start my period, I may be going into an episode. I really can't be certain. All I know is that this weekend, overall, was rough.

This was a bit of a shorter update, but I'm honestly just really tired. Sorry about that.

January 26, 2023

So my roommate moved out.

Honestly, I feel so relieved, when she was still living with us I felt like I couldn't even talk in my own room without her listening in and tattling on us to her mother or her sister. They literally left us with a bunch of trash in her room for us to pick up, just took out the furniture and left. Honestly, I'm glad to be rid of that bum-ass family. They think just because they have money that they can just walk all over us. Anyway, I literally feel so much happier already. I have a lot I can say about that family but I'm going to hold my tongue on this because to be honest, I just don't have the energy to talk about it right now. I probably won't be talking about this ever again, but lets say her sister is probably one of the most unpleasant people I've ever had the displeasure of talking to. She basically begged me and my fiance to open up our relationship so she could fuck him. She's MARRIED. She said they were in an open relationship but they very obviously were not (based on how her husband reacted to her trying to make moves on my fiace WHILE HE WAS IN THE ROOM) and she was just... constantly cheating on her husband. She just like, openly admitted to it too. Anyway, yeah. Good riddance.

In other news, I got food poisoning this week, I posted a new song, that's about it.

Week three is basically over, and I'm enjoying it a lot more than the past few semesters. I do fear for my mental health, as it usually gets bad around this time of year. I'm mostly concerned about my eating disorder coming back. The thing with those is that they never truly go away and I've just been living in fear of relapsing for the past few years. I have actually come really close to relapsing a few times in the past year (no thanks to my roommate for purposfully trying to trigger me and making ed jokes), but luckily I have a pretty decent support system now.

That's about all I have to say for now. Thanks for reading!

January 19, 2023

I think I'm going insane.

So it's week two and I am currently working on a research project for my archeology class. Since it's focused on the Vikings (and archeology) I decided to do a paper on Viking music. The only issue is, is that there's not much information about it. Most of the articles I've looked at talk about modern Viking and Norse inspired metal, which is definitley not what I want. I have some good sources and about 10 pdfs pulled up right now.

Another part of this project is doing some experimental archeology, and me being me, decided that I was going to build a lyre. Most of the complete lyres we have from the time period are Anglo-Saxon, but we have a fragment of ONE Viking-age lyre that they found in Norway. I'm reconstrocting this using only historical methods: handcarving, using pine tar as glue, catgut strings (they're actually sheep gut but whatever), only wood native to the area (that's readily accessible), all wood.

So yeah, this is going to be an interesting experience, I have until April to complete this.

Anyway, roommate is still in the process of moving out, I'm still frustrated with this but whatever. Apparently she's been spreading rumors about me to her mom, none of which are true. In fact, it's all stuff SHE'S done. I wasn't going to snitch, idk why she thought that was necessary. Anyway, I'm still glad she's moving out.

In other news, it's been strangely warm for January. Usually at this time it's super cold and snowy but it's literally been t-shirt weather for most of the week... weird.

I've also started amassing pdfs again, and I think I'm going to try my hand at printing some of them out and binding them by hand. One book I've been really wanting to get is about $1600, and was printed and bound in limited batches. It's available as a pdf, but I want a physical copy, so I think that might be a project I do in the near future.

That's about all I can think of right now, thanks for reading as always!

January 12, 2023

Happy 2023! I know I'm almost 2 weeks late but man has shit hit the fan recently. So if you've seen the updates on my profile page, you already probably have some sort of idea of what's been going on. My roommate decided she was going to be moving out, which personally I don't really mind since I'm sadly getting really tired of her shit. She, however, wanted to break the lease and leave me on the lease by myself, which I can't afford. The other option to this was to move out with only three weeks notice. Fortunatley we have resolved this issue, but she will still be moving out later this month.

In other news, I had an appointment with my orthopedist today and leaned I have *drumroll*

Hip Dysplasia!!!

So yeah that explains why my hips hurt all the time and are also constantly dislocating. This doesn't explain the rest of my joints being "loose" but it's a good start.

Anyway, this is my first week back after break and so far I'm loving my classes! I did drop a class for cost reasons, but for some reason it literally dropped my tuition for the semester from $1400 to $400... weird. But otherwise I really think I'm going to enjoy this semester.

I also uploaded another song finally! I got a new dulcimer for Christmas, and I absolutely love it! My other one has a weird issue with the tuning of the fretboard so it can't exactly play full octives, this one can! I did go on a slight tangent about the actual song itself and some of the lore behind it but personally I think it's really cool so yeah.

A bit of a shorter update but things have been crazy recently. I'm hoping once I get back into the swing of things I 'll be able to do more.

December 22, 2022

Finals week is now over, and now I can finally rest. I want to code a new page but honestly I just don't know where to start since this page will be much different than the rest of my site. The pages you guys can see are pretty structured, this will not be. However, this will add a whole new section to this site.

It's currently awful outside right now, and my finace had to go to work with the roads all icy. I'm pretty worried about him coming home just because the ice and the deer are also really bad this time of year. I'm writing this now but I may not be posting this until another time if the power goes out. We're currently in the middle of an ice storm, and it's looking to get pretty bad.

In other news, I'm probably not going to be posting an update until the new year, so Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and happy new year to everyone. I got plans for this place and I hope you will come along with me for it! I've only been here for a few months, but I can see this being a long time thing. I started from not knowing how to code at all to being somewhat competent in just a few months, which for me is pretty impressive. I think this year, despite everything, was okay. See you all in 2023!

December 12, 2022

Happy finals week to me! I had my applied voice performance today and I can say confidently, that was the WORST performance I've given in a long time. I am still ill unfortunatley and that is actually entirely the reason. Oh well, it's over and I can relax. I have another final on Thursday, which shouldn't be that bad, and finally an essay due on Friday and then I'm freeeeeeee!!

I have many ideas that I want to share while I'm out for break, so hopefully you'll be seeing them soon. That's actually all I have to say for now. Thanks for 3,000 views!

December 7, 2022

Hello! I'm back after a short hiatus. The semester is almost over and I'm so, so burnt out. This past weekend my choir had our Madrigal Feaste, which went wonderfully. I got to see my fiance get harrassed by our jesters through various means (getting covered in glitter, having his shoe stolen, general tomfoolery), which brought me so much joy. I did almost pass out a few times but it was fucking HOT in there. I had my first final today, and I think it went better than I thought it would be. I do unfortunatley have a sore throat, which sucks since my rehearsal with my accompianist for my applied voice performance is tomorrow. I'm doing a lot to make it better though, so hopefully it will be better after I rest for a little while longer.

For next semester's applied voice songs I'm looking at Lucia's Mad Scene from Lucia di Lammermoor, Ophelia's Mad Scene from Hamlet, and a few others to be considered. I'm going to be singing some pretty intense stuff next semester but I'm looking forward to it. I also may be getting a job working as an assistant to my choir director so I'm really hoping I get that job.

I think I'm going to stop saying I'm going to make new pages and whatnot since every time I do that I never end up doing it lol! I do still have plans but I just don't think I want to talk about them here anymore. Can't dissappoint if no one even knows about your shortcomings, right? Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. I hope I can start updating more soon.

November 17, 2022

As you all can tell, I updated the way this page looks. I hope visibility-wise it's okay for everyone. It's okay for me to read, but I don't know how anyone else sees it. If there's issues with it, please let me know, I want this website to be easily readable.

We had out first snow over the weekend! However, it's now really cold and that means extreme joint pain for me. This used to be my favorite time of year, but my joints suck now so it's extremely painful. I've been spending a lot of time bundles up in blankets and sweaters, but also sleeping since the cold saps all of the energy I have out of me. Yesterday, I came home and slept for about four hours, then woke up, took a shower and took my meds and all that good stuff and went right back to bed. And I'm STILL tired. It's pretty but I'm not doing well physically because of it.

Currently we're prepping for my choir's annual Madrigal Feaste, it's going to be a great show, although I'm fairly certain none of you who regularly check this blog live ANYWHERE near my city. On Saturday I'm basically going to be on campus from 5pm to 12am, which I am NOT looking forward to at all. However, this has to be done. Luckily for me most of my work comes in the form of making sure the costumes are all good and ready to go.

I really haven't been feeling well recently, and I'm blaming it mostly on the weather changes, because that's what's been affecting me the most. I've been getting severe brain fog, fatigue, joint pain, all the wonderful stuff that comes with being chronically ill. I did update my home page to include alt text for the graphics, my next page will be my AC shrine page. That's all for now, thank you for your patience.

November 8, 2022

Happy Election Day to those of you who live in the US, and happy Tuesday to those who don't! Cue obligatory "please vote" speech.

If you saw my little comment about changing my entire site, I'm currently figuring stuff out right now. I've been taking online coding classes to make my website look less corporate-y imo. I don't necessarily know what I want to do yet, but it'll be soemthing interesting.

In other news, I am very close to beating Skyrim. I think after I finish this I'll play Oblivion or Morrowind, I have both downloaded I just haven't played them yet. I seemed to have picked up a new hyperfixation because of this lol! No shrine page for this I think.

Last week I had ANOTHER psychiatrist quit on me, this is the third time this year!!! Literally I've been so pissed about this. They didn;t call to tell me I had a new psych, and when I did call they acted like it was my fault for not knowing >:(. Anyway my next appointment with my NEW (4th) psychiatrist is in FEBRUARY! FEBRUARY!! Luckily they said they'd keep putting refills on my mood stabilizer, which, if they didn't, I would probably die, whether it be from the withdrawls or by my own hand. Anyway I'm probably going to switch over to the psych my therapist reccommended me after I told her this, since he owns his own practice and is wayyyyy less likely to quit. Hopefully.

Anyway that's all I have for today I think. Sorry about the inactivity, it really is just that time of year where I'm like crazy busy.

UPDATE

My blog is now green :)

November 1, 2022

Alright, mental crisis (slightly) over! Last week I had my first period without birth control to calm it down and oh god was it bad. I have endometriosis so they've always been super heavy, but since I've been on birth control it's been calmer and a lot less crime-sceney. Anyway this is a reminder to keep track of where your meds are because I literally lost two months worth of bc.

In other news, we had our first concert of the semester on Sunday, and I'm hoping to possibly upload some videos (courtesy of my mother) of some of the songs becuase they sounded really awesome (not the treble/women's choir tho, we lowkey sucked there ngl). Now it's full force into Madrigal Feaste preperations. I got my new dress for this performance because my one from last winter didn't fit in the waist anymore (by literally TWO inches smh), but I'm not complaining since that one was literally 50 years old and was really janky to wear.

I've been taking a few coding classes so I'm hoping to make some minor improvements to my code since it's literally SO rough right now.

I guess some other stuff I've been up to:

  • Went to Nashville for a few hours with my fiance and made lego minifigures of ourselves
  • ALSO in Nasville, bought a stuffed bass from the Bass Pro Shop. My fiance hated him at first but has grown to love him.
  • I got sick and literally drank a concoction made up of ghost pepper, carolina reaper, jalapeno, habanero, chili pepper, cayenne, tabasco, garlic, and onion and the cold was gone within the hour
  • I am now hyperfixated on Skyrim. There will almost certainly be a shrine page if I get around to it before it ends.

Yeah that's about it. Sorry for the inactivity, it really is just that time of year.

October 25, 2022

I think I've made a mistake.

So I skipped ONE class and now I've skipped two whole weeks worth of lectures. To be fair my mental health has taken a sharp downward spiral, but literally this is really bad. I feel awful and almost embarrassed to show up to classes anymore but I know I need to. I actually genuinely enjoy this class and the topic, but I can't bering myself to attend without feeling like I'm going to break down crying because of how overwhelmed I am.

Speaking of which, last week I spent a whole day crying???? I woke up, started crying, went back to bed, woke up, and cried more??? Honestly wack. I've also been super nauseous, cold, and tired all the time so idk what's up with that either. Anyway my next class is about to start sorry for not updating that much.

October 18, 2022

I overslept this morning so I'm writing this while waiting for my next class to begin. I have had NO energy at all these past few days. When I do it's only for short bursts that don't last long at all :(

Anyway, today I have my first in-person voice lesson which I am so excited about, me and my vocal coach have only been meeting online through Zoom so far so it'll be nice for her to hear me sing without me peaking my mic lol! I have a naturally loud singing voice (which literally no one expects since I'm a pretty quiet person), so I'm glad we're no longer online.

In other news, I'm making a couple new pages so expect some new changes soon, one is going to be a page full of the graphics I have collected thus far, and another is going to showcase some of my collections. The main one now is going to be my rock collection since most of my others are currently at my parent's house like my antique doll collection and some of the other ones. I figured I might create a new page to house these and my shrines page, idk the details aren't completely set in stone. I'm excited to have some new ideas for this site since I've been pretty burnt out recently.

Also, I'm pretty sure a dude has been following me here on campus but I'm not really sure, so I'll keep you all posted if anything happens.

October 11, 2022

So that migraine ended up lasting until Saturday, which sucked, but I'm okay now!

On Thursday I went to the first meeting of a club I signed up for and it went pretty well. It was kinda obvious no one knew what they were doing but that was part of the fun ngl. We sat around a campfire, ate smores, and played games. So a little bit of info about me, I don't go by Sol in real life, mostly because I'm nervous about coming out with a new name to people. They all know I'm nonbinary, I am very open about that, but a new name??? too nervous to go by that instead. Anyway, as I was introducing myself, I said I either go by [NAME REDACTED] or Sol. Basically everyone went with Sol, and it was so euphoric for me to finally go by that name irl. There was one person there who knew me already, which was what I was mainly nervous about, I didn't actually introduce myself to them, so no Sol from them. It was fun though.

What was not fun, was getting there. So I had NO clue where this place was. I wandered around until I found a sign pointing to it and I literally had to go on one of the hiking trails to get there. So needless to say I got my steps in lol! I did feel a bit silly since I can't drive and don't have a car, so I lied and said it was just broken down. I think being nearly 20 and not being able to drive is embarrasing for me, because everyone else can drive but I can't.

On Sunday, me and my parents and fiance went up to Little Nashville, Indiana. It's basically filled to the brim with small, locally owned shops. I bought a few things, and looked at a lot of other things. There was an instrument store there and I couldn't afford anything sadly, but now I know if I ever have the money to finally buy a Merlin style dulcimer, that's where I need to go. I did end up finding a crystal store and finally got one of my dream pieces! It's a small piece of strawberry quartz, which I've been looking for for a while. I also got a few other stones like a prophecy stone (basically hematite mixed with a few other minerals), violet jasper, and black moonstone. After that, we went to a couple antique shops, and I almost bought a vintage camera but I didn't since it's not necessarily what I was looking for. I got a small statuette of the Virgin Mary (who is the ony figure I brought with me when I left the Catholic Church, except for maybe some of the saints). I also ended up getting a jazz cassette tape by one of my favorite jazz artists, Stan Getz, so that's really fun. Other than that, I just really enjoyed walking around.

In other news, I started playing Skyrim recently, and I decided to make my character the biggest girlboss of the whole nine realms. I'm honestly having a lot of fun with it. I've never been a huge gamer, I mostly play games like Animal Crossing, Stardew Valley, Minecraft, Slime Rancher, peaceful games basically. But this is very different than what I'm used to. I do really enjoy it though.

That's about all for now!

October 6, 2022

I've had a pretty nasty migraine for the past few days. On Tuesday it started right after my applied voice lesson and it has not stopped since. It was worse Tuesday night and all day yesterday than it is now, but man am I still in a lot of pain.

Speaking of applied voice, I am now officially about to start om O Zittre Nicht, Mein Leiber Sohn from The Magic FLute. This is both really exciting and really scary. I'm sure I'll do just fine learning it, but it's a pretty intimidating piece of music.

My head still hurts a lot so that's about all I can write right now tbh.

October 3, 2022

Happy October everyone! It's finally feeling like fall and I am living for it! This weekend I finally got my dulcimer and autoharp from my parents house, so I'm for sure going to be posting some music and stuff probably tonight if not just sometime this week.

This week is my city's fall fair, I usually go just to eat the food, since it's all local places setting up. Last year me and my fiance went as a date and it was soooo crowded that I almost had a panic attack. This year, we're going to be going on the weekend when it will (hopefully) be less crowded, and we're probably just going to go for lunch and not bother with any of the games and rides.

Today, unbeknownst to me, my college was having a used book sale! Everything there was a dollar or less, so I ended up getting six books for about four dollars, which was nice.

I found the USB for my printer, which is great because my printer is acting suuuper weird. It won't print anything being sent to it, but if you print directly from it, it's fine. I tried printing out a sewing pattern, but the paper got jammed and it hasn't worked since. I'm not sure what's up with that but it sure does suck since I use that printer a LOT.

I have a lot of projects I want to do, but I don't have the time or resources to do them and it's killing me :(. I'm a really creative person but I've been in a rut for a while so now I actually have the motivation but can't do anything.

Yeah, that's about it. I haven't really been up to much tbh.

September 30, 2022

What a week it has been. I don't know if it's just me but this week just seemed to drag on and on and on. Luckily, tomorrow's Saturday, so I'll be able to relax... kind of. I have to do a few things tomorrow but me and my fiance are going out on a date after everything is done, so that'll be nice. It has just been the PERFECT weather outside this week. I've went on a few walks around my campus, just wandering aimlessly. I think wandering without any true purpose is good for the soul. I found some places I would have never known were there had I not been on these walks, so that was cool.

I'm saving up money to buy myself a new camera, because

1. I miss having one

2. I plan on possibly downgrading to a flip phone once mine kicks the bucket :P

So I'm not really sure what I'll get yet. I know it's probably going to be digital, although I would love an actual film camera. They don't really develop film here anymore which is sad, since physical photos just feel more sincere, you know? Also, I love making little photo albums and scrapbooks, so actual developed and printed photos are much more useful.

I may honestly just buy a film camera, although digital ones are pretty handy, especially since I'm going to Ireland in the summer. I don't know. I'll save my money and figure it out.

I got a few plans for new pages, so keep an eye out for those. The links won't be there until they're done, unlike what I did here originally. Still need to scan my art and upload it here, I just don't know where my USB cord is for my printer, so I'm probably going to have to buy a new one sadly.

I've been in a very creative mood lately but I just haven't had any time to actually do anything sadly. I plan on getting some materials to make some jewelry with tomorrow, since all of my funky jewelry just isn't really aligning with my aesthetic anymore. I don't mean that in a "I'm just not feeling the funky jewelry anymore" sort of way, it's more of "My jewelry isn't weird enough to match with what I want in my style personally". So I have some plans. My current style is leaning towards "academia, but make it extremely weird and kitsch". I also want to customize a few hair clips to pin back the parts of my hair that still look a bit weird, but have them not be boring lol!

I'm probably going to have to get a new laptop soon, which is sad, but this one was pretty cheap so it's not that bad. The touchscreen does this thing where it's registering as being touched when it's not. It's pretty common with chromebooks which is what I have. I wouldn't mind getting something new though, since chromebooks are really limited in what they can do simply because of the OS. I know I can switch it over to linux, but quite frankly, I'm not smart enough for that lol! I feel like if I tried, I'd end up bricking my laptop which would be very very bad since I do basically all of my work on this thing.

That's basically all for now, I hope you all are doing well, and hello to the two lovely people that recently followed me!

September 26, 2022

Over the weekend I went on a hike with my geology class. It was optional, so only like seven of us went. It was pretty fun though! I haven't been hiking in so long so I kind of missed it. We went to this really cool part of my state's national forest called Hemlock Cliffs, and it was just gorgeous. We did climb some neat rock formations, resulting in me nearly falling and getting hurt, but I made it out with only a few minor scrapes and a lot of bruises. Then we went to this weird outcrop on the side of the highway that, weirdly enough, is famous for finding fossils. I didn't climb up it to look though since it was a vertical climb up and down. I did find some where I was walking around though, just not nearly as impressive as the few people who did go fossil hunting.

Yesterday I just stayed at home, but I DID start playing Slime Rancher for the first time and oh god I love it. I am starting with the second game since the first was taken off of gamepass. Anyway expect a new shrine page lol! God that game is adorable.

Recently I've been reading Child of God by Cormac McCarthy and I gotta say, it's one of the more fucked up books I've read. I've been reading a lot recently, and I decided to give some "banned books" a try... I get why this one was "banned".

Last week Sister Cindy (idk if any of you remember her, she was pretty big on tiktok for a while) came to my college. She is just as crazy in person I have to say. She was very entertaining.

ALSO last week, I gave myself a haircut and it looks pretty bad, but luckily it's not that hard to style in order to make it look decent. I'm honestly not sure why I did it instead of maybe giving myself another tattoo, but what's done is done I guess. It's not that bad.

Currently doing some art to put together an art zine, so that should be a thing maybe in the next couple weeks. It's really nice so I might spend some time outside painting instead of being cooped up in my apartment all day. I absolutely love fall so I'm going to be spending a lot more time outside.

September 19, 2022

So about that epistolary... I decided that I didn't like the way I wrote it so I'm rewriting it. In th emantime, I decided I'm going to make larger, more readable versions of some of my poetry zines since they can be pretty hard to read unless you print them out.

Over the weekend one of the small towns near here had their annunal artist/artisan market festival, which I love going to. I met up with a friend and we walked around for a little bit. I got some homemade syrups that I like putting in my teas (they're to DIE for omg), some local honey, and some other things like handmade jewelry, art, things like that. I also got a set of dowsing rods, which I've always waznted to try using, so that was cool. Of course I got some amazing food, some homemade apple cider, apple dumplings with ice cream, it was all sooo good. This is literally my favorite event every year.

I went to the doctor today, and mentioned how my joints are all fucked up and he was just like "oh yeah that happens, just take some ibuprofen". SIR. This is what I've been complaining about all the time. My pain is never taken seriously, it's so frustrating.

But yeah, that's basically it for now. My curtain rod is fixed btw.

September 14, 2022

I woke up late today by about an hour, which of course was a lovely way to start my day. Anyway I still got here on campus early and finished my geology lab in under an hour so that was nice I guess. I have an hour until I have something to do again so I'm mainly just working on my coding and my zine. I was hoping to have it done yesterday but I honestly just didn't have the energy. I had yesterday off but I spent most of the day sleeping it seemed. I don't know, I was in a weird half-asleep state all day.

Also on Monday, after I got home I found that the thing holding my curtain rod up literally tore itself out of the wall! So no curtains to block out the bright-ass light outside my bedroom window for me I guess. At least not until the weekend when my dad can come over and fix it. Anyways, after that, I walked into the kitchen to see that my water heater/furnace was LEAKING AGAIN FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS MONTH! There is also a dead centipede on my kitchen ceiling too, so that's fun. Monday was not a good day for me, so I kinda needed the day off.

On the bright side, it now no longer feels like hell's armpit outside (hot, humid, very unpleasant). It's finally cooled off and dried off so we get these really beautiful clear skies and the best feeling weather. It actually is starting to feel like fall, which is one of my favorite times of year.

September 12, 2022

So over the weekend I went to the farmer's market and saw an old friend from high school. We had a falling out because towards the end of our senior year she turned violently homophobic and transphobic. We didn't speak. It honestly made me really sad since her friendship was one I mourned the most. I'm not going to go into specifics over what actually went down for now, but I can say is that her now-husband groomed her. They met when she was 16 and he was 20, and he waited until her and her ex were broken up to make a move. She is now almost 20 and he is around 24. He proposed to her after they had dated for only three months. He is also a neo-nazi. I'm not saying he's the reason for that sudden change in her beliefs but it seems pretty sketchy to me since she was very much an ally before. She didn't see happy when I saw her, she looked tired. I honestly hold no grudges towards her, I just feel bad for her at this point.

Anyway, I'm making a new zine, so expect that to be up either today or tomorrow since I have tomorrow off. I have also uploaded some mini-zines. Again, I'm sorry for the formatting, they are meant to be printed out and folded into booklets. This new zine is an epistolary, so it's a new format for me. I think it's interesting though. I hope you guys enjoy it.

My energy levels have been so messed up recently, and I have no clue why. I know it's not my vitamin D levels, since I spend a lot of time outside (which, can I add, I'm so happy it's finally cooling off :P). I've also been excersising recently, not like full on workouts, but I have a step goal for every day so I've been doing a lot of walking. I just don't know what's wrong with me. There's a lot of things wrong with me though, I just don't have the money to get checked out for every little thing.

September 9, 2022

I wasn't expecting to make a new post for a couple days. I'm going to address the elephant in the room: the Queen died. Honestly, I figured it was going to happen soon, but not this soon. I'm American so I don't really have any sort of connection to the UK, but I know she will be missed dearly. Personally, I don't really care for the monarchy, especially with their connection to colonialism and their usage of taxpayer money to pay for lavish things. I'm mainly more upset at how negatively this will impact the working class. I am very much pro-workers, being someone whose father is a blue-collar worker, and whose partner is also a blue-collar worker. So with this bound to devastate the working class economically, I'm worried for them.

Anyways, yeah. I've mainly been working on homework recently, but I did manage to make a new zine last night! It's in the mini-zines folder I have linked. It's just a few short poems, so not much but I think it's cute. I have a few ideas for more zines, especially longer ones, so stay tuned for those!

September 8, 2022

Yesterday I spent about 3 hours of my morning looking a minerals, which was actually a lot more fun than you'd think. I honestly really enjoyed it. Then after that I had my two choirs, knocked out a lot of homework that I didn't realize was due in a couple days, went home and had a really depressing dinner lol! I came home exhausted and passed out as soon as I laid down. I haven't had that much energy lately, I think it's just the change in schedule, I wake up at 6 am, and go to bed around 10. The other night I couldn't sleep at all though. I've been rapidly going through manic and depressive episodes a lot. I need to get my mood stabilizer upped I think. I don't know when my next appointment is though. I'll figure it out soon enough I guess. I've gone through so many psychiatrists in the past two years. It's not that I had a problem with any of them, it's that they keep quitting. I'm hoping that the one I'm with now stays, because it really does get annoying trying to reexplain my life's story every single time I get a new psych.

I've also been blanking out a lot recently. I'm not sure if they're absence seizures or what, but I will completely blank out for 5-20 minutes at a time, and not remember anything. It's kind of concerning, especially in concerns with driving. It's one of the things that makes me afraid of getting my license, since I don't know what would happen if this were to happen while driving. It feels kind of embarrasing to not be able to drive at almost 20 years old, but I'm too afraid of what may happen while I'm on the road.

That's about it. I got this pumpkin bread at the farmer's market yesterday and it was to. die. for. It was soooo good. I'm getting another loaf this weekend lol! But yeah, that's about it.

September 6, 2022

Yesterday I met my fiance's other set of grandparents, his paternal side, and I think it went really well! The thing was though, their house(s, there's two of them. One for his grandparents, at the top of a hill, and one for his great-grandma at the bottom. It's an interesting setup and we're set to inherit them.) IS FUCKING HAUNTED?????? Okay, so I don't really talk about this on here since I think it's kinda irrelevant, but I have been extremely sensitive to paranormal activity from a young age, going as far as being physically touched by spirits. Anyway, so when we pulled up to their house, I got the feeling something was off but I just kinda ignored it. Then, we walked into their house and I'm like "Oh! It's worse in here!" but of course I wasn't going to say anything because that seemed kind of rude. So we get to talking and his sister was talking about how in her house, the previous owner offed himself in the bathroom and she and her husband keep finding pieces of him in there still, and how she keeps seeing him walking around and her dog gets really freaked out. THEN their grandma chimes in about how one of her husband's grandfathers offed himself in THEIR bathroom, and how HE's still there and it was just... hhhhhh. Anyway it would've been nice to know that before we got there.

So that's how my weekend went.

August 31, 2022

Today has not been too great. I burned myself this morning while making breakfast, so off to a great start there. Then I decided "oh I'm going to dress really nice today, maybe break in my new pair of chunky-heel loafers that are super cute!" So I do that, I get all dressed up, and get to school. I'm waiting for class to start when the fire alarm goes off, so I go and wait outside for the drill to end. When we get back inside my professor is like "alright so I'm going to go over a few things, then we're going to watch a documentary, and then I'm going to take you guys on a walk". We went fucking hiking. He took us off the path to look at this really pretty rock formation (bc this is geology), through poison ivy (good thing I was wearing long pants), over fallen logs and trees and stuff. All in my heels. I got my steps in today though, although my hip is acting up again and my feet hurt soooo bad.

The involvement fair was today as well! I went around, got some free stuff, and I'm hoping to maybe join or actively participate in a club or two!

Tomorrow I plan on going down to the practice rooms and working on a few of my pieces for Applied Voice, since I was given ANOTHER song yesterday. This one is Chi il bel sogno di Doretta from Puccini's La Rondine. It's a really pretty piece. I may upload some clips of me singing stuff from my voice class here, idk yet though. Speaking of which, I have stuff recorded but I will have to upload them separately and just link them here, like my zines.

I have a migraine and I'm suuuuper tired after today so I'm going to call it here.

August 29, 2022

TW: s/h, mentions of alchohol

It's the second week of class and man am I glad it is. So the other day, this person, who I barely know, decided to start shit that they had no reason to start in an attempt to make me and finace break up. Which is shitty. They also claimed to have a disability that makes them unable to lie because it will cause them to have seizures, which, as someone with epilepsy, is fucked up. I ended up having THREE yesterday because of how stressful this situation was. They also dragged my best friend into it which is also just awful. Not to mention. Their attitude? Rancid as fuck. They called me a bitch because I wasn't buying anything they were saying, especially since they showed some "screenshots" of a conversation between them and my fiance over instagram, when the account he was "texting" them on 1. didn't even text like him at all and 2. was the account he's been locked out of since high school. He did make a new account, but ended up deleting instagram back in April. And before you think "well he could've redownloaded it" no he couldn't. I have access to his phone. I literally use it all the time since I'm constantly losing mine (memory problems lol) and I haven't seen it ONCE, not to mention his passwords were all deleted off of his phone. He hates social media with a passion and I've known that for the entire time we've been together. They also claimed to be talking to him over snapchat even though that's been gone longer than insta! He deleted in in January because I was the only person he had added that he actually talked to (out of like, 5 people). Of course, they couldn't be so kind as to supplement proof of that.

A few months ago his ex, a friend of said person, did hit him up and started flirting with him, but he took it as a joke and flirted back, and when he realized she was being serious he showed me the messages and blocked her. He has never been one to hide things from me, and our relationship has been built on honesty and trust. Did this slightly break my trust? Yes, but he openly admitted to it and I forgive him for that. He's a dumbass, he has always been a dumbass. And I forgive himf or that. This person said I was brainwashed and being manipulated but I've had my fair share of toxic relationships both romantic and platonic and I know at this point if I'm being manipulated. If he were really as shitty as they say, would he put my happiness over his? Would he be purposefully saving up money for us to buy a house together? Would he be putting me on his insurance so that I can get the healthcare I need? Would he be so openly honest with me about his past mistakes? No I don't think so. This person and his ex have always been ones to start shit, true or not, just because they feed off drama. I'm honestly surprised my best friend hasn't picked up on that, and I'm honestly surprised he didn't pick up on the fact that LYING LITERALLY CANNOT CAUSE SEIZURES even when I pointed it out. He tried to explain it was something called FND, which I don't deny is a thing, but in that disorder, stress can cause seizures but only if it's extreme. Lying does not cause that much distress.

I've been manic for the past week, so naturally this didn't help and I ended up relapsing. I had multiple panic atatcks, seizures, all of that fun stuff. It did give me a reason to get drunk though, so that was nice.

I know that this was basically just one big giant rant but I honestly just needed to get this off of my chest. I did put a tw at the top just because this kind of got a little heavy.

August 26, 2022

Today marks the end of my first week back at school and I am so, so tired. One thing about me is that I have what is most likely chronic fatigue syndrome, it's been an issue for most of my life but again, my doctor just doesn't take me seriously. No matter how much I sleep I am always tired, and I get tired randomly throughout the day for no reason. I almost fell asleep in my geology class yesterday, which sucks becuase I genuinley enjoy the class. In other news, I have my first meeting with my vocal coach today! She asked me to prepare two pieces to sing for her so I chose "Art is Calling For Me" from The Enchantress and "Dido's Lament" from Dido and Aeneas. The first one shows off my physical range and the second shows off my emotional range, which I think is important for her to know. I just hope I don't peak my mic lol! This is going to be a virtual meeting but we should be meeting in person after this which is good. I am kind of nervous but I have heard nothing but good things about my coach so I am really looking forward to seeing what I learn this semester.

This is another kind of short update but tbh nothing much has happened. Also, there are more people in the Treble choir than in Chamber??? It's wild, and they're all basically freshmen which is kind of... yeah. But most of them are nice so It's fine I guess. Also we. have. a. full. tenor/baritone/bass section! I haven't seen one of those, like, ever! So that's amazing, and they sound amazing, and yeah! Anyway that's it for today I guess!

August 22, 2022

So today is my first day back at college! I only have two classes on Mondays and Fridays so I've been free to do whatever until 1. Currently I'm sitting in the library typing this out, after walking around campus for a couple hours. I'm not going to lie, my hip is killing me, but I'll be fine. I definitley got my steps in for today lol! I just emailed my applied voice professor trying to figure out a schedule since it's based on what other students do, and she asked me to have two different vocal pieces selected for when we meet this Friday so i'm going to have to figure out what I'm going to sing! I have a few songs in my rep but it's been a minute since I've sang any of them. I'm glad to finally know where the practice rooms are though, and I'm looking forward to this semester a lot!

August 15, 2022

I just opened neocities and saw that I have a little over 1000 views! To be honest I never thought this would happen lol! But I'm really proud of myself and this little (incomplete) website of mine.

Anyway, my shrine page is up now. I have a (basically) complete Animal Crossing page, and a very incomplete Kirby page. I've never made a shrine page before but I had a blast making it. The images finally resized, so my ac page no longer looks wacky lol!

The new semester starts in a week, so I probably won't be updating as frequently, maybe only when I have time before my classes on monday and friday since I don't have classes until 1 on those days. I am looking forward to this semester though. I have a really good feeling about it.

Short update but I haven't really been up to anything recently :P

August 11, 2022

I (almost) finished my shrine page for animal crossing but I didn't resize some of the pictures I took from my Wild World town and omggggg it was so bad. They were massive q-q. The page isn't updating for some reason so if you see that... yeah. I fucked up. I'm hoping to have it fixed soon.

The other day my fiance came home early from his night shift at one of the factories here which really confused me. It turns out they ran out of parts becuase their supplier burned down. They're back up and running today but that was pretty unfortuante. After my last update I did in fact have a breakdown so I probably would've preferred it to have happen then, not to sound selfish or anything. My health has also been really fucky lately? I've had two asthma attacks in the past two days and I feel like I can't really breathe. This has been happening for a while but I just figured it was the weather causing it, since that seems to be the cause of all of my symptoms worsening overall. I also had TWO seizures today. Very strange indeed. They were both nonconvulsive and I wasn't really aware during them (sometimes I am aware but thats usually during conulsive ones). I have no clue what's going on right now if I'm being totally honest. Also shoutout to whoever made the Epsy app bc that makes it so much easier to track these things.

Kinda a shorter update but yeah.

August 9, 2022

So my first syllabus of the semester just dropped. It was for my GEOL 151 class (geology of America's national parks) and I can already tell I'm going to enjoy this class. My issue now is finding the lab manual. They only have online options at my university but my professor said we have to have it new, in print. I have no idea where I can find this thing for realtively cheap since the best price I saw was about $150. In other news regarding this class, there's a field trip. I haven't been on one of those in nearly ten years! It's going to be to one of my state's parks, and it's going to be for extra credit! I'm honestly really looking forward to this semester, I think I'm going to enjoy it a lot more than my last two.

Remember how I mentioned my hips being fucked up? Yeah they're still fucked up. Not only that but my roommate is finally back and staying with us but she doesn't clean. Like, ever. She's either complaining about it or she's "going to do it later" but later never comes and once again, I'm the only one who is cleaning this whole apartment by myself. Because yes, let the person who can harldy walk without severe pain do everything. And not only that, I get literally nothing in return. Not even a simple "thank you". Is that too much to ask? To be thanked for doing everything in this apartment? I do all of the cooking, all of the cleaning, everything. And not even a simple thank you. I'm tired. She's always saying making excuses about how she just feels too lazy to do it, but does she not realize that I'm tired too? I've been doing everything here despite having classwork and being disabled. She has done nothing this summer, when she's been here all she's done is make everything even more messy, complain about, it, and then goes back to doing nothing but sitting in her room watching anime all day. If it bothers her that much then why doesn't she help? I can't wait until our lease is up next spring. I'm moving out of this shitty apartment and I won't have to deal with her bullshit ever again.

Sorry for the rant but I've been on the verge of an emotional breakdown for the past few days and this really hsa not been helping. Expect my site to not be updated much for a few days. I'm still working on a lot of stuff but my mental health is not doing great right now. Thank you all (aka the four people that follow this site) for supporting this little passion project of mine!

August 3, 2022

Oh boy, its August already! My next semester starts in about 20 days so I'm mentally preparing for that. I told myself last semester that I would not be taking any more early morning classes, but then I signed up for one anyway :p. I had no other choice though, since the only time this class was being offered was at 9:30 Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Mondays and Fridays I'll only have to be on campus around 1 for choir (I'm in my university's chanber and women's choir), but I'm probably going to get there early in the morning anyway so I can just hang out on campus. There's a couple spots that I really frequent: the library's first floor by these giant ass windows that let in a lot of natural light, this one secluded little outdoor spot outside the medical building, a table under this massive oak tree next to one of the fountains, and the basement of the libral arts building. The basement isn't really that picturesque like the otehr spots, but it's where I spend a majority of my time considering it's where the choir room/music studio is. Also, literally no one hangs out down there, so it's nice and secluded and I can usually work in peace. I'm making it my goal to not procrastinate on everything this semester, which is why I'm forcing myself to get up early and head to campus so I can get my work done there instead of waiting.

In other news, my hip that I mentioned last month is STILL bothering me. I also dislocated my other one yesterday. It's like my own body is out to get me. Every time I bring this up to my doctor he's always like "oh it's just growing pains probably"... sir??? I have not grown an inch since the eighth grade, I am permanently stuck at 5'0". He has only really ever taken me seriously when it's been something like really serious, like life or death serious. Otherwise? No, it's like he doesn't think I know anything about my own pain. I'm pretty sure being able to move my joints in ways they should not be able to move is pretty abnormal. One of the worst things though, is that my main isturment is the guitar and my fingertips bend back in such a way that it makes it really painful to play some days. I've been playing for over a decade and I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't play anymore. I really want to get finger splints to help with this, but if I want a pair of nice, custom fitted, metal ones (which arguably hold up wayyyy better than the plastic ones) I'll have to spend quite a bit of money. I plan on getting these one day, but at the moment I have hardly any money. I don't have a job since I'm a full time student, can't drive, and have too many health issues to count. I actually genuinley want to work, but most regular jobs aren't accesible to me. I'm really hoping I can get an internship at my local museum, because I think it'll be a lot more accessible to me and it's what I'm wanting to go into as a career anyway.

I'm also working on coding a new page! I won't be uploading the writing and art pages until I figure out how to scan my art and zines and stuff and upload them here (I know how, but not really? Also I don't have a usb cable to hook my laptop up to my printer with so I can, you know, actually scan stuff in. I'm like an old person with technology.). This will be more of like a shrine page??? Pages??? I'm figuring out how to do the whole "putting images and text anywhere on a page" thing right now, so hopefully it'll turn out. I think I'm really getting the hang of this whole coding thing. I still have a lot to learn but I'm really enjoying it! Also shoutout to CodePen and w3schools which are the two main things I've been using to help me out. Whoever made those are GOATs.

August 3, 2022 (update :0!)

Okay so I spent a few hours creating another page for this site, and since I edit it in CodePen I have to copy and paste it back on here, and when I went to copy it I PASTED A HEX CODE :'). I had to redo so much of my work. At least it was only the html which I took largely from my index page, but holy shit. I had to stop for a few minutes. At least it wasn't the css thank god. Anyway I thought I needed to tell y'all aout that lol. Once I have it completed (enough, nothing is never truly completed here lol!) I'll have it up and running. Speaking of new pages, I'm making a links page. Hopefully up tomorrow if not tonight! I basically copy+paste a lot of my code between pages on here so it shouldn't be too difficult I hope. Or not. I may do something completely different. Anyway yeah. That's all :).

July 30, 2022

Wow, I can't believe this month is almost over... soon I'll be having to go back to classes which I'm not too concerned about. What I'm concerned about is the weird shit that goes down on campus. Yesterday I was just minding my own business when I got an alert on my phone from my school's safety alert system that there was a bomb threat??? It was a false alarm but jfc. This is the most extreme thing I've seen go down, but there's also been robberies and assaults and stuff. It's fucking wild.

If you're reading this, you may notice that my music page is finally up! I'm not sure how I'm going to embed music here, but I'll figure it out. I said this on the page itself but I don't really have any sort of proper recording equipment, and I probably won't until I move out next year when my lease expires. So you guys are just gonna have to bear with me on that, since my laptop is the best I can do.

Also, I got that box added! I don't know what I'm going to put there yet, but I did it! Currently there's just the thing saying its a test and a little gif of kirby. I'll figure something out with it though, maybe link to some sites I think are cool or something.

I also finally got canva working on my laptop again since it was suuuuper bugged out for the past couple months, so I'll be back to making my digital zines soon, and then finally I'll be able to upload them here! I really enjoy making them, and have a few that I've made and printed out on my bookshelf even! It's like a tiny little reminder of my ability to create. I mostly make mini-zines, you know the ones that are just a single page? Yeah, those. They're really fun and really simple to make which is why I enjoy them so much. I have so many ideas for future ones so keep an eye out for when my writing page goes live!

I know this site still isn't really that much, and I have a lot more plans for it once I get the basics set up, but I'm really proud of what I've done so far. I went from like 0% coding knowledge to like maybe 15%. I still have a long way to go but I think this is a new favorite hobby of mine!

I think that's all I have to say for now, have a good whenever you may be reading this, dear reader! :D

July 28, 2022

I finally finished ENG 201! I'm not sure what I'm going to do for the next month I have before the fall semester starts, maybe I'll get good at figuring out how to code this site lol! I tried adding another little box to my homepage but it went inside of another one instead so I'll definitley be getting that figured out (hopefully)! I also plan on making a few more zines and possibly getting them uploaded here, since that's what I wanted to do with this site in the first place. I don't really have much to say today since I wrote such a long post the other day lol!

July 26, 2022

This is the last week of my English 201 class (finally lol) so I have one more essay to go. Luckily most of my argument is based on last week's annotated bibliography so it shouldn't take me that long to complete. I honest-to-god hate this class not gonna lie. I get that this is one entire semester squished into a six week period, but a ten page essay every week? Absolutely not. Deadlines the same day things become available to us? Even worse. I'm glad its almost over. I have until Friday to complete this last essay but I'm hoping to have it done by Thursday if I can.

In other news, My wifi has been acting all funky lately. It went out a few weeks ago because of some cyber attack and it hasn't been the same since. It just cuts in and out but I'm the only one affected in my apartment it seems. I'm not sure what's up with that. Also, with my online class over I'll have a lot more time to do the things I actually like doing, and I'm hoping I'll be able to make a couple zines before I go back on the 22nd.

I'm looking forward to this new semester, now that I have all my core classes out of the way (only one left which I'm taking this semester) I can focus on my major and minor. I was planning on taking Eng 101 and 201 in the fall and spring but I decided to get them out of the way this summer so it would be less of a workload for me, and since all the advanced level classes require 101 and 201 I wasn't planning on taking any. So my schedule consists of Geology, Chamber Choir, Women's Choir, voice lessons, and intro to music for my music minor. I'll be taking more anthropology classes in the spring I'm guessing. I'm also hoping to get an internship now that I'm in junior standing (its only my second year in college, I brought in a lot of credits from high school ^-^). It's going to be at the local museum, which I absolutely love so I really hope I get this internship.

This was a pretty long entry, it's also pretty late right now, so I'll end it here

July 22, 2022

Yesterday I spent almost the entire day working on an annotated bibliography for English 201. I did it though! I also went over to my fiance's dad's house for dinner, which was amazing as always. He says that if he weren't so financially trapped here he would move and start a resturant or something. It feels like my city is damn near impossible to leave, and even if you do you somehow end up right back here. It's happened to a lot of my family. I'm not really sure what's up with that, all I know is that I want to leave here as soon as possible. I know I'll end up here again since my fiance is going to be inheriting some property that has been in his family for generations, but I hope that I can leave even just for a few years.

July 20, 2022

So this is my first jounal entry!!! I am absolutley atrocious at coding so this has been a huge learning experience for me. I just hope it looks alright.

Today I mainly focused on homework. I've been really slacking off in English 201 since my mental and physical health is in shambles. I realized that I'm probably going to end up with at the very best a C. I'm hoping I can at least finish with a D, but I cannot afford to fail this class. Last fall I started experiencing seizures and had to drop English 101 since I wasn't coming to class anyway and was suuuuuper behind. I've been taking summer classes to catch back up since I'm technically in junior standing despite this only being my second year, and need to start taking classes that have these two as prerequisites. I finished 101 just fine, but this one has been kicking my ass. My main issue is that I have no idea what my professor is saying at any given time, and his deadlines are kind of obscure until literally the day they're due. Not to mention the fact that he expects us to write full essays for peer review not even a couple days after the last (completed) one was due. My last essay was almost ten pages long ffs! This one isn't technically an essay, it's actually an annotated bibliography, and then I have another one due next week.

I was going to go out to a little town a bit north of my city that me and my fiance like hanging out in, but it's nearly 100 degrees out and I'm really sensitive to heat. Not to mention my hip has been really bothering me basically all month. I don't really know what's up with that but my doctor has never really believed me when I've brought it up so talking to him isn't an option I'm afraid. I'm not really sure what to do about that to be completely honest. I'm only 19 and I feel self-conscious about needing a cane in order to walk somewhat pain-free since I look perfectly healthy otherwise. I may go some time this weekend, or later in the week if it cools off.

Current Projects-

  • Scanning and uploading one of my mini-zines "Annoying Curses"
  • Fixing some of the links here
  • Fixing the appearance of my pages (hopefully)